I have been wondering for quite some time now about the link between personality, parenting style, and our choice and application of the parenting method(s) we favour.
Personally, I am an organised introvert who values self-knowledge. My parenting style favours structure over flexibility, and I value obedience in small children more highly than problem-solving. For these reasons, among many others, the Babywise and Growing Families materials are a natural fit.
However, I know that my personality is biased towards harshness when I apply these materials in my own family; so I am making a conscious effort to learn about and apply parenting methods which value communication (eg How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk), fun (eg Playful Parenting), empathy (eg Love and Logic), and problem-solving (eg Good and Angry: Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids!).
So how about you? How do you describe your personality and your parenting style? Are you aware of bias in any direction when you apply your favourite parenting method?
4 comments:
I would probably be the opposite :) I value flexibility within a structured environment. I'm consistent and try to give few warnings although i've been sliding with that since new baby has arrived. I sometimes slack too much on a behavior and then need to "bootcamp" for a couple days to get behaiviors in check. Bootcamp consist of basically not letting a single thing slip and repeating the consequence. I very much value problem solving! I like Love and Logic, but could use some more reading up on it (I could use more time so I can read too!) I feel that my ability to problem solve has been of tremendous importance in my life (much more then I can possible communicate) and hope to pass that along to my children. This was not taught to me by my parents directly, but rather indirectly through not being there for me and having a rough childhood/teenage years. To survive I learned to problem solve to piece my life back together. I feel like it comes naturally to me in many ways and strengthened through the practice and diligence in making that work for me. I hope to pass this on to my kids in a way that they don't have to have the awful experiences and emotionally neglectful parents that I did to learn it. Thanks for the list of books. I could really use some more reading up. Thanks for your thoughtful posts. I wish I could get on here to comment more, but I'm always reading!
Ashley,
I just wanted to say that for going through a rough childhood and upbringing you seem to have turned out pretty great! Four kids and your own business.... you are like super-woman!
Penny,
I tend to be pretty much identical to you. I am very much an "organized introvert". Have you ever read Personality Plus? I am a "Perfect Melancholy". I chose structure over flexibility in almost every situation. I am working on being more flexible though. Throughout the week it is fine but on weekends it bothers my husband. He is the total opposite of me and HAS to get out and be around people and do things. So I really need to be flexible with my girls' schedules, at least on the weekends :)
One question- What do you mean by problem solving? I mean, I understand what it means when referred to a mathematical problem etc, but what specifically do you mean when referring to raising your children? Are you talking about figuring out a solution to behavior issues? How to make things work in your schedule? Thanks!
Ashlee, I love the wisdom you bring to all our discussions! I definitely need to grow in flexibility and problem-solving with our kids, but it doesn't come naturally to me; so I really value your input both here and on the BW forum.
Liz,
I'm a melancholy too, and my DH is a phlegmatic sanguine - so we have used to have the same issues on the weekend. :-) Over time, I've become more flexible, and he's always been willing to accept the kid's need for sleep, so it's worked out fairly well.
By 'problem solving', I guess I mean training kids to take ownership of their behaviour by teaching them choices and consequences, rather than enforcing compliance. But for me, this is process with time and maturity.
So for example, if a 18month old is screaming 'MINE!', I wouldn't attempt to reason, I would just take the object and enforce turn-taking; but I am learning to approach the same heart issue (sharing) with a 4 year old differently.
Does that make sense?
thanks Liz and Penny, you're very sweet :)
I spend a lot of my day saying to my kids "what do you want to do about that" when they are constanly running and asking me to referee or take care of the many things they can and should do themselves. I've found that they have some pretty good solutions. Then I'll just say something like "good idea!". If they can't come up with a solution on their own I may ask them if they 'want some ideas of what some other kids have done" and sometimes they'll say yes and I'll give a couple suggestions for them to choose from.
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