Socially acceptable addictions

Have you ever struggled with going to bed at the right time, because you’re online / reading / snacking / face-booking / etc? Or getting back to the housework or family, because you’re too busy having fun with a friend/shopping/etc…?

Yeah, me too. In fact, going to bed too late is a lifestyle for me, and something that I *know* I need to change. For me, the trap is reading – either online or books. For others, it’s tv. Or maybe the struggle is not with going to bed, but leaving the unnecessary stuff in the store is a major challenge. Or saying ‘no thanks’ to the extra piece of chocolate cake.

My point is that I think every one of us has an area of weakness, which over time develops into a habit. Have you ever thought of it as an addiction?

How to budget on a variable and irregular income: Part 1

First, let’s define the terms. Variable income means income that varies in amount, ie NOT a salary or wage. People with variable income may include those who work on commission, sub-contractors, small business owners, casual employees.  

Irregular income means income that is not predictable over time.  Two payments may arrive in one day, and then nothing for the next two weeks. 

Our family has lived with variable and irregular income since I stopped work for the birth of second child, four and a half years ago. Since then, and most especially in the last year, I have had to learn how best to manage in this situation.  I hope the following tips will be helpful to you if you are in this situation!

What if it’s true….? Part 1: God created us

The bible says that humanity was created by the hand of God (Genesis 1:26).  The All-Powerful, All-Knowing One lovingly crafted each detail of our bodies.  And then, the bible tells us, God breathed his life into us (Genesis 2:7).  The Self-Existing One leaned down and awakened life within our bodies with his own breath. 

Are we Christians grateful for every movement our bodies make? For the amazing design of our hidden, internal organs? For the simple acts of seeing, hearing, touching, tasting?  Do we ever pause to notice our breathing, and consider the Source of every breath we take?

Perhaps it is a good day to offer praise and thanksgiving to God.

Turansky, Scott, and Miller, Joanne: Good and Angry

In my earliest years as a parent, I got angry at my children. A lot. I didn’t want to be an angry mother, flipping out every time my child ignored my directions, but somehow it just happened.  

This book poses the idea that anger in parenting is natural, and in fact useful to identify issues in our children that need to be worked on; but that anger is NOT useful in problem solving. Framing anger this way was extremely helpful to me. The book then goes on to discuss seven major character issues in children that trigger anger in parents, and some very helpful tools to tackle these issues. To give you taste, some of the chapter headings are:

Memorable baby stages

I remember that months four to six were just awful with each of my three babies.   They regressed in their ability to go to sleep and stay asleep during the day; over-tiredness and “witching hour” made life miserable from about 5pm until bedtime; introduction of solids (for the younger two) made feed times seem endless; and we seemed to live with lots and lots of inconsolable crying.

After six months, life with each of my babies dramatically improved, and was never really as awful again. 

In the first 12 months of your baby’s life, what do you remember most clearly?

Online friends

I have no experience with social networking media – Facebook, Twitter, etc.  However I have been a member of several online groups for well over a year. During this time, I have seen so much encouragement, gracious help, humour, and wisdom from the other members that I think of them as friends, and would love to know these people in real life.

What do you think? Is it possible to be friends with someone whose character you know only through her own typed words? Whose life you cannot see or know? Whose integrity you cannot assess?

Resentment

I’ve posted before about how resentment can affect me in my role as a stay-at-home mom.  I have found that this is also a trap I fall into very easily in my relationship with my husband.  All it takes is a small thought to cross my mind “why should he get to do ___ while I have to do ___” (fill the blanks with any activities you care to name).  Immediately, I go into full-blown envy and resentment, which plays out through evaded eye-contact, hunched shoulders, and silent treatment.

I am extremely poor at stopping this poisonous train of thought.  But sometimes I get it right, and here’s what I’ve found that helps:

How to stretch your grocery dollar: part 2

As promised, here are some of my tips on how to make a small grocery budget stretch like Elasto-girl in between shopping trips:

1. Have a shopping routine – periodic trips make planning easier and minimises wasted food. Work out whether daily (!), weekly, fortnightly, or monthly shopping (or some combination) suits you best.
2. Have an idea of what will be eaten that week. I don’t use a menu plan, because I like to improvise, but I have a very good idea of how much food we need for each meal and/or week.
3. Use up leftovers. Label and freeze smaller portions for quick lunches later; make double of basics like bolognaise; stretch portions which are not quite big enough with extra veggies or carbs (rice, potatoes, bread on the side). Tinned beans are another great option to stretch meat dishes for a second meal.
4. Plan egg-based or legume-based meals as alternatives to meat
5. Learn how to bake basic sweet treats from scratch – cakes, brownies, scones, muffins, pikelets, pancakes, etc. Keep a good stock of baking supplies on hand and make use of online recipe collections.
6. Investigate keeping chickens, and/or planting a veggie patch.

How do you save on your groceries?

How to stretch your grocery dollar: part 1

One of the bonuses of having a low income is strengthened purchasing skills. Here are some lessons I’ve learned over the past year or so:

1. look for alternatives to the big-name supermarket – markets, greengrocers, butchers, bulk grocery suppliers
2. buy fresh fruit and veggies which are in season, and check whether they are grown locally. Local, in-season produce is usually the cheapest.
3. Prepare a shopping list. Estimate prices on your list before you shop (if possible) so you know whether an item on the shelf is a bargain or not.
4. Look beyond the SALE! sticker. Often, lower shelves will have cheaper brands of the same product which are not on sale.
5. Compare the price per unit – sometimes bigger is cheaper, sometimes not.

Tomorrow, I’ll share some tips on how I stretch our grocery dollar in between shopping trips.  But I’d love to hear how you get more for less at the shops.

Dorothy Dunnett's "Lymond" series

This series blew my mind when I first read it nearly 20 years ago. I borrowed the first volume from a friend, then promptly ordered the entire series from my local bookstore, then begged each volume from my friend until my copies arrived.  I think I went through the five-volume series within about 3 weeks (and yes, my university studies did suffer, as did my sleep!!!!). Since then, I have re-read it on average once a year.

I cannot praise these books highly enough. The character of Francis Lymond is romantic, compelling, and deeply flawed yet astonishingly noble.  The themes of trust broken and restored, and love which refuses to give up, run throughout the whole series.  The series is set in mid-16^th century Europe, and the action moves from Scotland (Lymond’s homeland) to France, Malta, Ottoman Turkey, Russia and the North Sea, finally coming full circle back to France and Scotland.   

If you are looking for a compelling hero, intricate plot development, complex relationships, and accurate, detailed history, I thoroughly recommend this series.

Let me know what you think!

  


  

Who’s wearing the apron here?!?

As both my husband and I are currently under-employed, we are spending quite a bit of time together at home. This is good and bad: good, because we are interacting a lot every day, and that’s great for our relationship; but bad, because we are in the middle of a shift from mom-at-home to dad-at-home, and we haven’t got our roles figured out yet. 

Today, I am writing this at a café (taking a break from work-related study), and my husband is cooking the dinner, putting the laundry on, taking the kids to school, and looking after our toddler.  Tomorrow is a new day to negotiate.

Have you had to re-define your work or home roles with your “significant other”? How did you do it?

Three years nine months

This is my least favourite age so far.  For some reason, two of my children hit a real ‘yuck’ patch at this age, lasting at least six months. 

One of my favourite child development psychologists, Isabella Granic, has a fabulous series of posts about what’s going on in those sweet little heads: 3-12-years-old-part-i-its-all-in-their-heads.html, and 3-12-years-old-part-ii-readers-question-about-waking-up-and-staying-up.html. Her focus is on how these changes can affect sleep, but the background knowledge is gold for any parent.

Did you notice any changes around this age? How did you cope?

My best friend?

I know, I know, everywhere you go, everything you read, tells you that your spouse ‘should be’ your best friend. And maybe for you, that’s not quite the case? Relax.

I believe the marriage relationship is totally unique. It can be a lot like friendship, but it’s not exactly the same. My husband has a uniquely intimate knowledge of me, based on time together under the same roof.  My husband is also uniquely committed to our relationship. Therefore, he has the privilege of speaking into my life to encourage, or to give me a verbal ‘boot up the bum’ when needed. 

But he and I both know that if we get too critical, our relationship is damaged, and although we can try to pretend it didn’t happen, or we didn’t mean it, we have learned from experience that causing each other pain means putting in the effort to heal the wounds.  Unlike other friendships, the option of walking away when hurt just doesn’t exist.

What do you think? Are you ‘best friends’ with your spouse? Does that idea make you cringe inside?

Trusting in love

When I believe that I am loved, I find it easy to interpret actions in a positive light, and make allowances for actions that clearly are not loving.  I am able to live freely, releasing my baggage, fully present towards others.  But when I don’t believe that I am loved, I am suspicious and cynical of all actions, and I hold tightly onto my baggage.

For me, trust is the foundation of love, and it precedes and supersedes the evidence of actions.

When is it that you feel most loved? Does it require action from someone, or do you find it easy to trust that someone has loving feelings towards you?

Me-time

One of the ideas I have heard frequently since becoming a mother was that I needed and deserved “me-time”, i.e. time devoted to pursuits that gave me pleasure, not related to my roles as wife, mother, daughter, friend, employee, etc.  So an afternoon at the day-spa or reading a novel would qualify as me-time, but not an afternoon spent in bible study or cooking a meal for a friend.

I found as time went on, though, that “me-time” did not actually refresh me for long. I found myself returning to my family life resentful and impatient for the next time I could get away.  Any time I became cross, rude, impatient or restless at home, I was quick to diagnose myself in lacking “me-time”.

The only effective cure I have found for the recurrent restlessness and resentment in my life at home was totally counter-intuitive. The cure was and is for me to fully engage in the present moment, however stressful. If I tried to disengage from a child’s temper tantrum, I had little ability or desire to parent well; but if I forced my mind to observe my child, evaluate the triggers, empathise with their emotions, and consider an appropriate response, there was no room left within for any other desires.  And best of all, I ended the day feeling good because I had done the day’s work to the best of my ability.

Now I try to include activities within my day (like this blog!) that stimulate my mind and stretch me personally. But I do not crave time away from my family any more, and I feel content.

How much contentment and refreshment do you gain from “me-time”?

What exactly is healthy eating?

Like every other health-conscious mom, I’ve done a bit of research about food. This book is one of many that has influenced my thinking, and moved our family diet away from the mainstream.  

I restrict the amount of sugar we eat, except for special occasions.  The children eat fruit for snacks and drink water, except on special occasions.  I restrict the amount of carbs I eat, except on special occasions. We eat real butter, unsweetened Greek-style yoghurt, and drink full-fat milk. We eat whole grain bread, and I would love us to go gluten-free, but we can’t manage the extra expense. Also due to expense, we buy the cheapest meat available, which is not lean, and we eat only 5-6 meat meals a week. Other meals are based on fish or legumes.

Breakfast is usually wheat (cereal or toast or sometimes pancakes), oats (muesli), or eggs; lunch is salad, sandwiches or leftovers; dinner is something from the slow cooker. 

A third of our grocery budget is spent on fruit and vegetables; another third on dairy and meat; the remainder is spent on staples and non-food items.

I’m sure you have your own opinions about healthy eating, and it would be great to hear them!

Career choices

I have had three main career changes in my life, and I would dearly love to try a fourth. Each change has meant study, a temporary drop in income, a steep learning curve, and sense of leaving my past completely behind me.  

The first choice (music) was an obvious continuation from high school strengths, but very poor in terms of earning a living. The second choice (retail) was a successful attempt to gain regular income, but poor in terms of mental stimulation. The third (IT)  was great for income and mental stimulation, but poor in terms of flexibility.

What is your method of choosing your career? Did your first choice work out for you, and what factors would influence you now if you were to choose again?

Coping with the stress of children’s issues

Asthma, language delay, ADHD, ASD, sensory issues, physio, OT, speech therapy… I’ve had to learn a lot about this stuff since becoming a parent. Thankfully, none of my children have any diagnosed disorders at present, and life is fairly smooth.

But every six months or so, it seems that one or another of my children will go through a rough patch that is so extreme as to need professional attention. Along with the stress of thinking that ‘my child has ISSUES!!!’, there is the stress of finding time for appointments, finding baby-sitting for the siblings, interrupted schooling, learning a whole new area of developmental theory, and the unavoidable thoughts of ‘what have I done wrong?’.

So you tell me: how do you cope when one of your children has ‘issues’?

How to become a work from home mom

...I wish I knew!

I have read a LOT of stuff on the internet on how to balance work and family by working from home (see for example Steve Pavlina, the Mogul Mom, and Simple Mom). But the stumbling-block for me is that key ingredient "do what you love", "follow your passion", "find your element".

When I ask myself that question, I get a blank. Every.single.time.  So I'm looking for a job, and I'm creating this blog to keep my mind alive and creative juices flowing. I know I'm good at listening, and I love it, but how do you turn that into a business?

Have you walked this journey? What was your solution?

Preschooler chat

What I never knew before I became a parent #10003: how much a preschooler can talk!!!!

I have a love/hate relationship with this chatter. It can be very funny, and I love hearing my child's language develop (especially as one child had a language delay), but on the other hand, the never-endingness can drive me nuts, daily.

How about you?

Babywise

I’m not ashamed to proclaim that I really like the principles outlined in Babywise and the other -wise series books, and have used them in raising my kids. I am well aware, however, that there are a LOT of horror stories related to Babywise on the internet and in real life.  It seems to me that a lot of people have a faulty understanding of these books.

Val Plowman does an excellent job in clarifying Babywise on her blog Chronicles of a Babywise Mom. For example, "Feed baby when hungry" overwhelmingly dispels a common Babywise myth.

Have you heard horror stories? Have you ever investigated further?

Loneliness

...took me into depression, and nearly ended my life 10 years ago.

Are you lonely? I'd love to listen.

Good friends

I have three or four close friends with whom I feel comfortable sharing my inner world.  They have very different in personalities - some are so good at listening that I become talkative(!), others are feisty, energetic, sociable, or humble. 

But they all have one quality in common: they encourage me and do not judge, even when I make or repeat stupid mistakes.  They inspire me to be a better friend.

What qualities do you need in a good friend?

Unemployment

I am currently unemployed, and finding it really tough. Our finances insist that I return to work full-time with 3 little children, 2 of them still at home, and I'm not ready. But I have to. 

How did you manage?

New parents: birth stories

How are you feeling?

I remember how I felt following the births of each of my 3 children - very different circumstances for each birth, and a LOT of emotions to sort through.

First: overdue, induction, epidural, vacuum extraction, nauseous & dopey post-birth, poor first feed, several weeks of painful breastfeeding. I am still left with a feeling of 'what if?'.

Second: natural onset, quick labour & delivery, superwoman hormones post-birth, great first feed, timely help with early latch difficulties, easy breastfeeding for entire infancy. 

Third: overdue, induction, no epidural, very quick labour & delivery, superwoman hormones post-birth, great first feed, easy breastfeeding for entire infancy.

For me, the link between the epidural and poor post-birth experience, including breast feeding difficulties, was very clear, and my decision to avoid the epidural for the second and third babies was easy.

I'd love to hear your story.