For Moms in the Trenches

Image credit

 There have been times during my years as a parent when I thought I couldn’t keep going a moment longer due to a perfect storm of stress, lack of sleep, lack of wisdom, and/or lack of closeness with my loved ones. This post is written for others who may be enduring a bad time in the trenches right now.

Are You a Christian Doormat?

Image source

Do you fit the profile of a Christian Doormat? 

You say nothing when people insult, offend, or take advantage of you. You are tensed and stressed for days if you are forced to disagree with someone. You would run a thousand miles to avoid conflict, and other people think of you as ‘nice’ or ‘sweet’.  

On the inside, though, you are angry and resentful at the amount you are required to swallow and overlook each day. Sometimes, you explode, and you always feel guilty about how strong your emotions are. As a Christian, you know you are supposed to forgive, and you wonder why it is always you forgiving the other person, and why does the other person rarely apologise?

Conflict is Not a Dirty Word



Image credit

When my first child reached the age to resist my instructions in earnest, I entered a phase of parenting that I dislike intensely: the Phase of Conflict. For years, I have been distressed by my children’s disobedience, the never-ending discipline required, the lack of peace I felt in our home, and the anger I felt during the times of conflict.

My first strategy to cope with absence of peace was to determine on obedience at all costs.  This resulted in more conflict, not less, so I kept looking for another solution.

Reunions

I have always stayed far, far away from the various reunions I have been invited to over the years.

Something inside me cringes at the idea of making small-talk with people whom I knew very superficially in the past, have not kept in contact with, and have nothing in common with now except a memory of a shared location such as school, work-place, etc.

Let's talk about mommy guilt: Part 2

Last week, I posted about mommy guilt, and how we need to learn to think logically, rather than emotionally, if we want to get free.

Sometimes there is some truth in that nagging voice. But I believe that women are wired to react emotionally, especially when the issue involves our kids, and so we fast-forward straight into guilt (“I should have/would have/didn’t mean to”) without stopping to think with our logical side.

When I am feeling mommy guilt, it helps me to pray first, asking God to forgive any sin in me, and asking for wisdom. Then, when my mind is clear enough, I’m learning to ask these questions:

Let's talk about mommy guilt: Part 1

Hands up all of you who have heard a voice in your head which criticises every decision you make as a mother? Which tells you moments after you act, that you should have done the opposite? Which tells you that any mistake you make as a mom will have eternal and fatal consequences?

I know I’m not alone.

Financial fear

During the past few months, our family has had very little income, and we have been stretching the last of our savings. Last week, my husband has found employment again, with a good prospect of further work to come, and I am thankful beyond words for God's timely provision.

I thought it would be helpful to open the floor to discuss the fear that comes when we realise that that we are at the point of being no longer able to cover our financial commitments.

Have you ever been at this point? How do you cope with unemployment? Or with the fear that drags your heart down in spite of your best efforts to remain hopeful?

Anger in parenting

Last week, I touched on anger in parenting in my review of Turansky & Miller’s book “Good and Angry”. 

It made me think back to the year following my second child’s birth.  I did not cope very well with the normal parenting stresses during this phase – toilet training, developmental leaps, napping issues, tantrums, speech delay, and starting kindy (Australian preschool). In fact, I yelled daily at my children.

Resentment

I’ve posted before about how resentment can affect me in my role as a stay-at-home mom.  I have found that this is also a trap I fall into very easily in my relationship with my husband.  All it takes is a small thought to cross my mind “why should he get to do ___ while I have to do ___” (fill the blanks with any activities you care to name).  Immediately, I go into full-blown envy and resentment, which plays out through evaded eye-contact, hunched shoulders, and silent treatment.

I am extremely poor at stopping this poisonous train of thought.  But sometimes I get it right, and here’s what I’ve found that helps:

Trusting in love

When I believe that I am loved, I find it easy to interpret actions in a positive light, and make allowances for actions that clearly are not loving.  I am able to live freely, releasing my baggage, fully present towards others.  But when I don’t believe that I am loved, I am suspicious and cynical of all actions, and I hold tightly onto my baggage.

For me, trust is the foundation of love, and it precedes and supersedes the evidence of actions.

When is it that you feel most loved? Does it require action from someone, or do you find it easy to trust that someone has loving feelings towards you?

Me-time

One of the ideas I have heard frequently since becoming a mother was that I needed and deserved “me-time”, i.e. time devoted to pursuits that gave me pleasure, not related to my roles as wife, mother, daughter, friend, employee, etc.  So an afternoon at the day-spa or reading a novel would qualify as me-time, but not an afternoon spent in bible study or cooking a meal for a friend.

I found as time went on, though, that “me-time” did not actually refresh me for long. I found myself returning to my family life resentful and impatient for the next time I could get away.  Any time I became cross, rude, impatient or restless at home, I was quick to diagnose myself in lacking “me-time”.

The only effective cure I have found for the recurrent restlessness and resentment in my life at home was totally counter-intuitive. The cure was and is for me to fully engage in the present moment, however stressful. If I tried to disengage from a child’s temper tantrum, I had little ability or desire to parent well; but if I forced my mind to observe my child, evaluate the triggers, empathise with their emotions, and consider an appropriate response, there was no room left within for any other desires.  And best of all, I ended the day feeling good because I had done the day’s work to the best of my ability.

Now I try to include activities within my day (like this blog!) that stimulate my mind and stretch me personally. But I do not crave time away from my family any more, and I feel content.

How much contentment and refreshment do you gain from “me-time”?

Coping with the stress of children’s issues

Asthma, language delay, ADHD, ASD, sensory issues, physio, OT, speech therapy… I’ve had to learn a lot about this stuff since becoming a parent. Thankfully, none of my children have any diagnosed disorders at present, and life is fairly smooth.

But every six months or so, it seems that one or another of my children will go through a rough patch that is so extreme as to need professional attention. Along with the stress of thinking that ‘my child has ISSUES!!!’, there is the stress of finding time for appointments, finding baby-sitting for the siblings, interrupted schooling, learning a whole new area of developmental theory, and the unavoidable thoughts of ‘what have I done wrong?’.

So you tell me: how do you cope when one of your children has ‘issues’?

Loneliness

...took me into depression, and nearly ended my life 10 years ago.

Are you lonely? I'd love to listen.

Unemployment

I am currently unemployed, and finding it really tough. Our finances insist that I return to work full-time with 3 little children, 2 of them still at home, and I'm not ready. But I have to. 

How did you manage?

New parents: birth stories

How are you feeling?

I remember how I felt following the births of each of my 3 children - very different circumstances for each birth, and a LOT of emotions to sort through.

First: overdue, induction, epidural, vacuum extraction, nauseous & dopey post-birth, poor first feed, several weeks of painful breastfeeding. I am still left with a feeling of 'what if?'.

Second: natural onset, quick labour & delivery, superwoman hormones post-birth, great first feed, timely help with early latch difficulties, easy breastfeeding for entire infancy. 

Third: overdue, induction, no epidural, very quick labour & delivery, superwoman hormones post-birth, great first feed, easy breastfeeding for entire infancy.

For me, the link between the epidural and poor post-birth experience, including breast feeding difficulties, was very clear, and my decision to avoid the epidural for the second and third babies was easy.

I'd love to hear your story.