Time Management for Busy Moms 4: Second Baby (or: Ahhhh!!! TWO!!!! What was I Thinking?!?)

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Shortly after I brought home my beautiful baby girl, it became blindingly obvious that looking after an infant and a toddler was not going to be easy. I hope that the lessons I learned from this experience will help prevent someone else from making the same mistakes!!!!

Lesson 1: Some Crying Will Occur
There will be times when one, or both, of your children are crying, and you can’t get there immediately. It will be alright.

Lesson 2: Make Changes before Baby Arrives

Plan and practise your older child’s schedule before the second child is born, if possible. I will cover the details of this below.

Lesson 3: Assume Feeds Will Require Privacy

Don’t assume your older child will be happy to sit quietly reading or playing near you while you feed the infant. Anecdotally, it seems that little girls who are naturally placid may do this; but active or spirited children may not. A lot of infants will have difficulty feeding while distracted, and a lot of moms find it very difficult to establish breast-feeding with a new infant while another child requires attention.

Lesson 4: Don’t Assume Down-Time

Don’t assume that naps will always align, and therefore you will have the opportunity to nap during the day. This will be true at some stages during your infant’s first year, but not during others. It will be alright.

Lesson 5: Big Boys (And Girls) Do Cry

Your older child will continue to go through developmental leaps during his or her second and third years, and these may coincide with your infant’s leaps (wonder weeks). It can be a shock if your big boy or girl suddenly becomes crying, clingy, or cranky; or if their sleep is affected for no apparent reason; but it is normal. It will be alright.

Lesson 6: Talk About the Housework

Talk about housework with your spouse.

Scheduling:

This is what I did when expecting my third child, and I wish I had done when expecting my second:

• Dig out your trusty spreadsheet (or paper and pen). You will need columns for yourself, toddler, and baby, and rows representing 30 minute or even 15 minute intervals.
• Block out the nap times, meal times, self-care times, and fixed activities for yourself and the older child.
• Assume your infant will be feeding on a flexible 2.5 - 3 hour schedule, if you are following a Babywise plan. (Of course, if you are following some other plan, assume the feeding schedule given in that plan). Pick a start time and block in the feeding times, including dream feed if you intend to do one, but excluding the middle of the night feeds.
• Assess the result. What is the older child doing while you feed the infant? Do you have a 15 minute or 30 minute window of flexibility around the feeding times? What is the infant doing at meal times? Are there any clashes where you have to be in two places at once?
• Try a few different start times for the infant to see if the combination works any better (Excel tip: use the ‘insert row’ or ‘delete row’ menu commands to quickly move the infant schedule). Keep tweaking the infant schedule until you have the best fit you can.
• Tweak the toddler schedule as needed. Independent Playtime is mom’s best friend; don’t be afraid to lengthen it, or add a session at a different time, if you need to.
• Think about your evening routine. Will your spouse be there to help? Do you need to tweak bathtime, mealtime, storytime, or any other part of the bedtime routine so that you don’t need to be in two places at once? For example, I bathed my youngest in the baby bath at the same time my older two were in the big bath, so that I could keep my eyes on all three at the same time. I also switched bathtime and dinner many times during baby’s first year, depending on which order served our family better.
• Don’t sweat the housework in the beginning. When the infant’s schedule has stabilised, you can revisit your schedule, and work out how you can fit the housework necessary for hygene and safety. You can also think about training your older child to help, and to do some tasks independently as they become skilled and dependable. Make sure you talk with your spouse about a fair and manageable system of maintaining the home.

I have assumed for this post that you are the sole care-taker, with a working spouse.  If you have help during the day from relatives, paid carers, or others, it is easy to allocate them a task if your starting point is this basic 3-person schedule, and you will be confident that you can manage if for some reason the help is not available. However, if you block that help into your schedule, it becomes harder to adjust if circumstances change.

Finally, this transition (from one child to two) was by far the hardest of my parenting life. It is normal to feel anxious and overwhelmed. Don’t be afraid to talk about your feelings, and get help if you are not coping.