God has been disciplining me. I have been through a month of spiritual lows, mixed with a few days of absolute grace, and the cause is my own stubbornness.
The outward problem seems so trivial, that I don’t feel that I can discuss it meaningfully with anyone. in person The problem, purely and simply, was that I could not, and would not, get out of bed at a time early enough to pray and worship before the family day began. Remember this post? And this one? Simple! my mind said. Go to bed earlier! Set the alarm! Try harder!
But during this month, God has revealed a heart problem that I never knew existed. He showed me that I loved my own comfort more than I loved him.
I have always thought of myself as a disciplined person; and because I have small children, I felt justified in staying in bed as long as possible so that I could “get my sleep”. So all these years that he has been calling, whispering, and nudging... I have not responded. I have literally turned over in bed and gone back to sleep, completely blind to my sin.
What finally opened my eyes, and softened my heart, was the wretchedness I felt this month, the daily forgiveness and grace the Lord gave me, and ultimately his voice in this post about idolatry. Since then, I have been working out my salvation in fear and trembling and early rising; may God give me the grace to continue.
Please take heart if you find yourself in circumstances that are outwardly similar. I am certainly not saying this sin is true of anyone else. God knows your heart, just as he knows mine. You and your time management, including sleep, waking, prayer, worship, etc, are completely between you and the Lord, and what the Lord requires of me is NOT a command for anyone else. Please do NOT blindly take upon yourself the correction that the Lord gave me, but rather take it in prayer to the Lord if you sense him speaking to you.
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